Australia are in India.

Are you excited?

I thought so.

India v Australia, or the bastard-monkey cup, is the most exciting Test series in the world.

The last Test series was chock full of little chunks of gold.

It also taught us a little something about ourselves.

Let’s look at the bastard-monkey life lessons.

NEVER TRUST AN AUSTRALIAN
Ok, most of us knew that before, but Anil Kumble found out the hard way.

ANDREW SYMONDS IS STEVE BUCKNOR’S LOVE CHILD
Although that isn’t true, I bet I could find 10 Indians in an hour willing to vouch for it.

TEST CRICKET IS NOT TIDDLYWINKS
We can thank Cricket Australia’s Head Administracrat James Sutherland for his expert clarification there.

MONKEY IS AN OFFENSIVE WORD
Probably best to not say it, or say anything that sounds like it, or not say it but look like you want to.

BASTARD IS AN OFFENSIVE WORD
Although it’s been used by Australian sides since ‘the Demon’ Fred Spofforth was around, if it is said after a monkey incident, it’s offensive, for a week or so.

MICHAEL CLARKE IS A BOWLER AGAINST INDIA
While Brad Hogg bowled like a troglodyte swinging a limp Salmon in Sydney, he took three wickets in an over to win the Test and set alongside his six for nine in Mumbai.

INDIAN TAILENDERS ARE EITHER DUMB OR CHEATS
Ishant Sharma obviously went to the Bob Willis school of batting preparation before taking out two right gloves at the end of the Sydney Test, or he is a cheat. Both are acceptable.

BOWLERS CAN APPEAL FOR ANYTHING, AND NOT BE CHEATS
Anil Kumble was happy to say Australia were not playing within Peter Roebuck’s spirit of cricket, and then appeal for LBW decisions that wouldn’t have hit an 18th stump.

IF YOU QUESTION RICKY PONTING’S INTEGRITY THE HAIRS ON HIS ARMS STICK UP
If you think Ponting has grounded a catch, and you have video proof, best to keep it to yourself.

VIRENDER SEHWAG IS NOT A MAN
He is a God, and his batting is a religion called Sehwagology. In its historic text are many victories over the great Heathens.

THE BCCI HAS PLANES SITTING BY AT ALL TIMES
A flock of them, all kitted up so they can fit Sourav Ganguly’s ego, Lalit Modi’s money and India’s indignation.

MATTHEW HAYDEN HATES GARDENING
Especially those obnoxious little turban-wearing, commando-rolling, Ponting-nemesis-type weeds.

INDIA & AUSTRALIA SECRECTLY LOVE EACH OTHER
Sort of like Niles & CC from the Nanny, Australia & India hide their mutual love through wise cracks and general bitchiness, but we can read between the lines.

So that is what we have learnt, but what will happen this time?

Cameron White to get two 10-wicket-hauls and release a hit single.

Rahul Dravid to make a run-a-ball hundred and then celebrate naked at midnight on the pitch with a cigar and a blow-up doll.

Shane Watson to perform so well that he justifies his selection and doesn’t work out in the gym once.

And Harbhajan Singh to take fewer wickets than some bloke called Jason and keep quiet.

What a series it could be, I can’t wait for the name calling.

Jrod is an Australian cricket blogger, his site Cricketwithballs.com won July’s Best of Blogs in TWC

When England’s touring party to India was announced earlier this week, the omission of Essex’s wicketkeeper James Foster came as little surprise. If you were expecting to see Foster make the squad, then perhaps you already had Darren Pattinson nailed on for one of the fast bowling slots. However, by overlooking Foster in favour of a recalled Matt Prior and this summer’s incumbent Tim Ambrose, the England selectors appear to have stuck with continuity to a fault.

Perhaps this was to be expected. When England set a world record by naming an unchanged side for the sixth time on the spin for the first Test against South Africa in July, national selector Geoff Miller lauded the “consistency in selection and consistency in performance” that had seen the team win four of their preceding five Tests – albeit against a weak New Zealand. Then came Pattinson’s inclusion at Headingley and the ensuing opprobrium. Miller and his men learned the hard way just why ‘change management’ has its own Wikipedia entry.

Returning to the wicketkeeping question, the selectors have shown generous largesse in retaining Ambrose, despite his apparent decoding at international level. A clear weakness to pitched-up deliveries on or around off stump – no longer will the back-foot cut be fed – resulted in the steady decline of his batting average. An increased focus on his performance elicited further errors from behind the stumps, and numerous dropped catches pock-marked the South Africa Tests. Prior’s semi-triumphant return (including six dismissals in the second ODI against the Proteas, and 14 in the series) ensured that the Sussex man will be in possession of the gauntlet come India – but why the dogged persistence with Ambrose?

His county form for Division Two champions Warwickshire has been a curate’s egg. In four games subsequent to returning from international duty, as the Bears sought to seal promotion, Ambrose produced innings of 5, 11, 0, 6*, 86 and 1; while a run-a-ball 111 in a dead rubber Pro40 fixture was preceded by scores of 4 and 15. As New Zealand discovered in Wellington, if Ambrose is allowed to get away, he will. But rarely has he done so this season, even against county attacks.

As England have prevaricated in their ’keeping requirements, Essex’s Foster has gone about his business in the shade. Described recently as the best wicketkeeper in the world by Jack Russell, Foster’s glovework, honed standing up to the wicket to Essex’s battery of medium pacers, has become as wily as it is reliable. Ninety-five dismissals in all forms of cricket over the course of the season puts him second only to, interestingly, Geraint Jones, while his ability was showcased by two adroit stumpings on Twenty20 finals day.

With the bat, Foster’s first-class career average is 35.34 – lower than Prior’s (39.39) but slightly higher than Ambrose’s (34.18) – and he has two double centuries to his name. Since he was last capped by England (for it was Foster who was anointed Alec Stewart’s heir apparent as long ago as 2001), he has scored 11 of his 12 first-class hundreds, and this year he averaged 46.25, with three centuries (two unbeaten) and two half-centuries in his last 10 innings. Foster is the form man – although the concession that his runs are scored in domestic cricket’s second tier must be made. Essex coach Paul Grayson has bemoaned selectoral bias; but the lack of a truly eye-catching performance, such as in the Friends Provident trophy final, where Foster made a scratchy 18, may also be partly to blame. Then again, perhaps Miller and Moores are simply covering their backs.

If so, then it sets a worrying precedent. Ambrose is one of seven players possessing an ‘increment contract’, and his inclusion on the India tour seems almost like justification in the face of performance for being picked as first-choice over the summer. If Prior stutters again with the gloves, will Ambrose, with his much-discussed frailties, hop back on the merry-go-round? And what now for Foster, overlooked even for the development squad in favour of Worcestershire’s Steven Davies?

This was an ideal opportunity for England to bring Foster back into the national set-up, for his wicketkeeping alone, and the selectors may yet regret not taking it.

Alan Gardner is a freelance journalist with guardian.co.uk

The 2008 domestic season will not go down in history as a great vintage. The weather put paid to that. That is not just sour grapes because Sussex didn’t win the Championship again but, if you’ll allow me just one more Oenophilic pun, I like my wine to taste a bit stronger; it seemed like a watered-down year. Indeed I can’t recall one Championship match that wasn’t rain (or bad-light) affected for us, and we had five one-day matches abandoned.

But it was still a year with plenty of highlights. Personally it was great to play in a team that won a trophy despite struggling all season. The Pro40 First Division win made that final September pay cheque read slightly better, despite Alistair Darling taking nearly half of the bonus. (Why should I give it to him? I bet he can’t bat or bowl. Not with those eyebrows.)

We struggled mainly because we lost our match-winner of the past few years, Mushtaq Ahmed, to retirement (although the smart money is on a Lazarus-like return to play in the ICL!). It has proven to me beyond all doubt that bowlers are more important than batsmen in a four-day team, as it is the bowlers who win you matches and Championships. Who had the best bowling attack we faced this year? Durham, without question.

To see Steve Harmison steaming down the hill at Hove in June, frightening the quantum solace out of our batsmen, was a heart-warming sight for fans of English cricket, as much as it was a trouser-warming sight for us. His resurgence bodes well for both Kevin Pietersen and Peter Moores as they try and establish the correct line-up to take on Australia next summer. An in-form Steve Harmison is as important to English cricket as Wayne Rooney is to English football. At least there is no question mark over which position Harmison will play in – give him the new ball KP and tell him to charge in!

Murray Goodwin’s heroic innings to wrestle the Pro40 trophy from the hands of Chris Read’s Nottinghamshire has proven two things to me: firstly that he should have played 100 Test matches (it is regrettable that so much talent has been lost to the international game because of politics – Alistair Darling, take note … ) and secondly that contrary to my theories about four-day match-winners it is the batsmen who win one-day matches. In this regard, Murray has been as important to us as Mushy, and deserves to go down in history as one of Sussex’s greatest ever players.

2008 is Robin Martin-Jenkins’ benefit year, visit www.rmj2008.co.uk for further details.

There continues to be plenty of speculation surrounding Sri Lanka’s new mystery spinner Ajantha Mendis. It is hardly a great surprise due to the major impact he has had in international cricket, and any county with a realistic eye on next season’s £500,000 County Championship prize money will be vying for the 23-year-old’s signature.

Having tormented India in a three Test series, where he picked up 26 wickets, Mendis appears to be topping the list of a number of counties hoping to lure him to English domestic cricket. Lancashire, with their Murali connections, appears to be the most likely destination but Sussex will be keen to fill the massive void left by Mushtaq Ahmed’s retirement. But he’s not going to be around all summer …

Leicestershire’s Garnett Kruger will not be back in county cricket next summer. The quick bowler has said his body is struggling to maintain the necessary fitness to compete in cricket for 12 months. Niggles throughout the season have hindered Kruger but he took 32 Championship wickets at 30.31. So with a South African import becoming a Leicestershire export, the county needs further strengthening.

Derbyshire’s Graeme Wagg has had two reasons to celebrate this week. Firstly, the 25-year old he signed a new contract that ties him to the club till the end of the 2010 season, then he gained selection for the England squad to compete in the Hong Kong Sixes. Despite Warwickshire’s efforts to take him to Edgbaston, Wagg chose the County Ground, where, for the second season running, he has taken 50 wickets and scored 500 runs – the only county player to achieve this in both 2007 and 2008.

Also in the news:

– Veteran Zimbabwean Grant Flower has signed a new one-year deal at Essex. His vital 70 not out in the FP Trophy final doing his case no harm at the negotiating table.

– Glamorgan have opted not to renew captain David Hemp’s contract, as his performances were not up to the standard expected for such an experienced batsman.

– Notts are continuing to search for an alternative overseas batsman for 2009 should David Hussey’s Australia/IPL commitments restrict his involvement. He is contracted to the county for next season.

– Gloucestershire have signed up Irish opener Will Porterfield on a new two-year contract.

– Worcestershire allrounder Darryl Mitchell and quick bowler Gareth Andrew are to stay at New Road for a further three and two years respectively. Josh Knappett and Chris Whelan will stay another season, while an offer has been made to Meraj Ahmed for the 2009 season.

– Western Australian quick Steve Magoffin is also keen to return to Worcester but official talks are yet to take place.

– Somerset wicket-keeper Carl Gazzard has signed on at Taunton for another season.

– Middlesex are set to loan Warwickshire allrounder Neil Carter as cover for Dirk Nannes, who is back in Australia, while they compete in the Stanford Super Series and potentially the Champions League in India.

– Yorkshire seamer Steve Patterson has signed a new two-year contract after an impressive 2008.

– Mark Alleyne appears to be interested in the coaching role vacated by Paul Terry at Hampshire.

Paul Wood is a freelance journalist